As My Life Begins to Change
I've just spent two weeks in London working in the Bank of America Merrill Lynch office, and now I'm in the airport flying home. Tianna came up for the second week. She had never seen London before, and I think she really had a great time. With all the time I spent at the office, I may as well have been anywhere in the world, for all I knew. Business travel is sort of a blessing and a curse; you get to see the world as long as you're not working, but with my job the work comes first and everything else takes a back seat. This sort of thing, coupled with my coming nuptials, added to my turning 30 in less than two months, makes me consider a great many things about my life.
Many things in my life are going great right now. I have a good job, which lets me have what I want. I have a woman that I love and who loves me. I have good friends that I can depend on. I have good health. I have a loving family. Am I allowed, then, to feel like something is missing in all of this? Perhaps it's something to do with the nature of my work, but I often feel like I'm not doing what I was meant to do.
That's confusing to me, since I enjoy computers and software, and that's what I do every day. Part of the problem may be who I'm doing it for. Large investment banks are not exactly saving the world (quite the opposite in some choice cases, obviously). Is it that I'd rather do something more philanthropic? Should I find a way to tackle more personal, ambitious goals? What's more, should I do anything differently than what I'm doing now if I want to start a family in the coming future?
The thing is, I believe very strongly that one of my purposes in life is to raise a strong, intelligent family that can contribute positively to the world. I think that I'm well suited for that. I'm logical, pragmatic, and I have a fiancee that agrees with my philosophies on life (well, the really important parts, anyway). I'm not worried that I'll fail in that, but I'm sure fatherhood has plenty of surprises for me, even though I think I have all my plans made. The thing is, now that I'm convinced that I'll be successful in that, shouldn't I be taking on other challenges? After all, what am I going to accomplish in my life that is singularly me? What can I do that will really and truly contribute to the world? Do I even need to? Is being a well adjusted, good natured human being enough?
It's interesting. I think the last time I had a "what does it all mean" phase was around age 25. I was out of school, out on my own, and then it hit me. What was I doing? Was this it? Where were my goals? I translated that into various different things, all of which made me happy. I became more involved in theatre, I took my career to the next level, I challenged myself by riding the MS150, and several other things. Each one of those things made me feel as though I was expanding myself. Then, after a while, I'd come back to where I am now: wondering if I'm doing enough.
Will these ever be answered? Part of me believes that they won't, and I'll go to my grave wondering if I lived a full life. It's difficult though. I'm happy, and I'm content. Even though I'm capable of more, I can just make goals for myself and try to achieve them. If I don't try and enjoy life on the way, well, that would be the real tragedy, wouldn't it?
